the before

My Mother in-law said today that we are allowed to grieve the life we had before. Not just before of this virus, but any other before. Back before I met my husband, in fact early teens, my Mother in-law was in a car accident. She almost lost her right arm, a doctor put it back together with metal. Now she got to keep the arm but her life isn’t the same, she doesn’t have full range of motion. Her life is marked before the accident and after. If anyone understands grieving normal life it is her. I know most of us have lots of markers in time, before kids, before deaths. Not everyone has before illnesses, with her arm she understand that before. Missing doing normal things.

I am in a state of limbo, I am struggling with my life. That grey area right where the before and after switch places. I may have Lupus. Due to the Virus, I am waiting to see a specialist to get an official diagnosis. A year ago if I was anxious, I could turn on some music and clean my house top to bottom in one day. Today I am struggling to keep the dishes done. I miss having the energy from before., I miss my life before. I go out to my garden in the morning and piddle around, I have to lay down when I come back in. All of my joints hurt, my hair is falling out, weird rash on my neck that will not go away. My finger tips keep loosing feeling, I cut myself and had no clue until a few hours later when I could feel my fingers again. My hands stop working and I drop whatever is in them. My stomach hurts all the time depending on what I eat, enough that I’d rather not eat most of the time. One would think that would mean I have lost weight, not a oz no matter what I do. At the drop of a hat I have headaches the turn into migraines quickly. My head is foggy, I can’t think of words I want to use. I can’t spell them or even get close.

I am an overachiever living with no control. My body can’t keep up with my mind and my want. I am a caretaker who cannot take care of herself. I have never felt more vulnerable, in a constant state of worry. In life we travel one hurdle after another and not having a official name for this mountain I am climbing. Not having a plan because the world is in turmoil. I love a plan, I love a list, without a diagnosis I can’t prepare myself or my family. I just read what I should do if it is lupus and what should help. SHOULD. All of these shoulds are medicated shoulds, until I get to that point there is no normal. Just lots of trying. I mean a lot of trying., I did a juice cleanse, I did fasting. Now I am cutting out as much sugar as possible. I am trying every natural thing there is out there.

I worry about…. Everything in my life. How it will all change soon.

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