My Mother in-law and I were having a conversation the other day. We always have great talks. As Mothers, as women, we are the ones who make things happen. It is exhausting. I thought on it some more and if I don’t make it happen, it doesn’t happen. That driving force that keeps everything going. In my case, holidays, birthdays, school anything, sports, family outings. No wonder I am tired and binge eating sugar carbs, drinking my weight in coffee. Can’t imagine why my body is revolting against me. Every time I over do a event, Am I showing my daughter that to be a good Mother you have to be this extra? See good conversation brings deep thoughts. Am I setting her up for the same kinda exhaustion? That personal expectation of perfection? If you know me you know I am not perfect and I don’t claim to be. If anything I may be a little O.C.D., I like all events to go how I pictured them. I start weeks a head, so extra. I have stories about hand crafting paper flowers for my aunts Birthday party. I burnt my fingers with hot glue. I’d be surprised if I didn’t change my finger prints. The flowers were super cute and I spent weeks making them.
I know that a big part of this is lacking from childhood. Children of Jehovah witnesses all seem to have similar issues. We all seem to go big especially with holidays & birthdays, like it will somehow make up for what we missed out on. I think it is important that we see our trauma and address it. Sorting out this mess now that I see it is going to take a while. Lots of deep self talk to figure out or therapy.