Vulcan

Where we left off. I feel like it has been a lifetime, so much going on. The struggle to keep up is like walking in heels in mud. You are moving but your feet hurt and you are walking slow.

My meds have turned me into a Vulcan as my friend described. At first, I was so tired, I could barely get out of bed. I worked and went right back to bed as soon as I walked through the door. It was like my lupus had gotten worse. My doctor warned me that it would take a while to get to a new normal and we would have to adjust as we go. My sister-in-law has taken this antidepressant before and warned me that it takes a full month to work right. I am getting close to that month mark. I just want my feelings back. My friend has promised that it isn’t as bad as I think it is. My kids haven’t noticed, my husband says it is fine if I can get to the point where I don’t have to nap before dinner.

My friend’s mother passed away. This is the worst time to not have feelings. My heart is broken, it came on so fast. Pneumonia, then lungs and liver, to spine. 30 days it devoured her. Her poor children couldn’t do anything but help keep her as pain-free as possible. Called the family to come to say their goodbyes.

While she was not a perfect person, she had trauma just like everyone else. She could have become closed off and hateful but she didn’t. She was easy to love. She adored my children, she was always kind to me. A few times when we were struggling she had me watch her dog and overpaid me on purpose to help and not let it feel like a handout because she knew how hard life can be. She never judged my hair or piercings. She went out of her way to make me feel welcome. She loved her children and grandchildren, there was nothing they could do that she would have stopped loving them.


Her passing will be felt for years. My friend will always be looking for home now. Can Adults be orphans? Surely they can. Her children are now orphans and missing their best friend. I feel like I am a bad friend because I am not as feeling as I should be. I sent brownies, but with covid, you can’t give hugs, you can’t hold their hands. My husband mowed their yard to help because the weather was going to turn and he felt like they wouldn’t want to come home and do it.

I think I have learned that I need to get things right with my mother before I am lost and looking for home too.

3 thoughts on “Vulcan

  1. Our mothers are always with us. I’ve said it so many times, it’s a cliche, but I see mine every time I look in the mirror. She’s in the stories I tell (and retell too many times), and she is there every time I set the table and show my love by serving a meal.

    Liked by 1 person

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