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Bloom Twice

Dandelions bloom twice. First they are the cute little yellow flowers that nurture the Bees when spring starts. Then they bloom and spreed their seeds. Dandelions are more than pretty flower, they are food for the bees and humans alike, teas, wine, salads. How great are these weeds? I want to be just like them! I want to have multiple skills, feed those who need to be feed, physically or soulfully.

Speaking of blooming twice, why should we only get to bloom once? Come to think of it, we should get to bloom as much as we want and who says we can’t stay in bloom for a season or two. Plant rules and people rules can’t be the same, right? As the seasons of our lives change shouldn’t our blooms grow more lovely? We should take the time to nurture ourselves to keep from loosing pedals.

**Not my photos**

Experiment and Jumble

My mind is a bit off right now. New meds… so stopping the Vulcan maker.

I now live in a state of juggling meds to get the effects we need, only one I take is actually for autoimmune. Everything else is an experiment on what might work for my body. I spend to much in bed, to much time pretending that I am perfectly healthy, that nothing is wrong, I tell my parents that I have this under control all while I am fighting to keep myself together and keep life as normal as possible for my children. I had to tell T-REX’s therapist because she couldn’t figure out why he hated going to school and my heart broke when she & I both realized this issue he is having is all my fault. I can’t fix it for him. I am grasping at threads of my life trying to keep everything together all while outside people are fighting about how serious a deadly virus is. People dying and the fact that it is even up for debate boggles my mind, I have been told I have nothing to fear because I am young and healthy. I beg my parents to be careful, to wear their masks and wash their hands because I need them to survive this, I need them. I am struggling to make since of any of this.

I should mention, I have had to give up alcohol, which isn’t a huge deal except some days when you are super stressed you want a glass of wine or a beer with your dinner. With the meds I will get violently ill, especially since the newest is just for that. I also have to give up my afternoon Yellow Redbull which is probably for the best, I just wish it was for a good reason. Redbull discontinuing it is the worst. I could hunt it down but that would mean going in so many gas stations so that is dangerous for me to do

My husband is in the process of being diagnosed with Alfa-Gal which is a weird thing by it’s self. Basically my house is one step closer to Vegetarian, beef and some dairy items making him sick. His aunt has this so thankfully we are prepared to deal with this. Plus with my dairy issues, we are on our way to the vegan life. Well I will probably keep eggs because they are wonderful and I love a good fried egg. One step of his issues handled and 5 more days of a heart monitor, which he started a new med a few days ago and it seems to be doing the trick. **Fingers crossed** Our insurance policy starts over soonish so if we can get the expensive parts done.

T-REX’s school is closed until the 30th due to COVID-19 but the rest of the town is still in school. And just like that I just got the call closing the rest of the schools. Man maybe I should call out a very fat check or that new SUV I have been dreaming of. I must be magic today. Sister is not loving him being home all week. They are both rocking the homework, Husband and I are taking turns on staying home with them. It is going to be a fun experiment I am hoping this doesn’t carry over into Christmas.

My sister’s office in Iowa went down with Covid-19. Which enforces the whole digital Thanksgiving idea. I am nervous that we are the only ones staying home. If they go back to school there will be a out break all over again. Makes me think I should buy some toilet paper before everyone starts buying it all up again.

This is just a whole jumble.

F*CK 2020

Vulcan

Where we left off. I feel like it has been a lifetime, so much going on. The struggle to keep up is like walking in heels in mud. You are moving but your feet hurt and you are walking slow.

My meds have turned me into a Vulcan as my friend described. At first, I was so tired, I could barely get out of bed. I worked and went right back to bed as soon as I walked through the door. It was like my lupus had gotten worse. My doctor warned me that it would take a while to get to a new normal and we would have to adjust as we go. My sister-in-law has taken this antidepressant before and warned me that it takes a full month to work right. I am getting close to that month mark. I just want my feelings back. My friend has promised that it isn’t as bad as I think it is. My kids haven’t noticed, my husband says it is fine if I can get to the point where I don’t have to nap before dinner.

My friend’s mother passed away. This is the worst time to not have feelings. My heart is broken, it came on so fast. Pneumonia, then lungs and liver, to spine. 30 days it devoured her. Her poor children couldn’t do anything but help keep her as pain-free as possible. Called the family to come to say their goodbyes.

While she was not a perfect person, she had trauma just like everyone else. She could have become closed off and hateful but she didn’t. She was easy to love. She adored my children, she was always kind to me. A few times when we were struggling she had me watch her dog and overpaid me on purpose to help and not let it feel like a handout because she knew how hard life can be. She never judged my hair or piercings. She went out of her way to make me feel welcome. She loved her children and grandchildren, there was nothing they could do that she would have stopped loving them.


Her passing will be felt for years. My friend will always be looking for home now. Can Adults be orphans? Surely they can. Her children are now orphans and missing their best friend. I feel like I am a bad friend because I am not as feeling as I should be. I sent brownies, but with covid, you can’t give hugs, you can’t hold their hands. My husband mowed their yard to help because the weather was going to turn and he felt like they wouldn’t want to come home and do it.

I think I have learned that I need to get things right with my mother before I am lost and looking for home too.

Still going…

While it has been a minute since I have had time to sit and write. We are all still going with the flow.

Updates: My T-REX has started visiting with his therapist. His teacher couldn’t understand why we were having her come. She explained we are proactive parents and he hates school right now so she was there to help him process these changes. We had a parent teacher meeting on the phone. Apparently he is great at school and has made fast friends with his tablemates.

How cute is this face!!

Sister’s friend is doing better, they are talking a few times a week. She went back on her anxiety meds. This year has been hard on her and her teacher has 50 students & no in person meeting has her a little stressed. I think all the changes are getting to her too.

Sister and her Chicken

Husband put in his notice at work and is going to come work at the paper with me full time. This is stressful and exciting for us. He has some medical issues and his current work schedule is the worst for appointments. This shift will give him a chance to go to the doctor and have time at home.

Harvesting His Meds

Monday( September 28th) I got my official diagnosis. No surprise it is Lupus. I am lucky my primary doctor knew what was going on, she had all the test already ordered so it was a pretty fast diagnosis. Started Hydroxychloroquine (aka the Trump Drug) & Duloxetine ( an anti-depressant that is commonly used for lupus) on Monday. The doctor said we need to watch for more symptoms while we wait for these to work. Could be 9 weeks.

3 pills to change my life

Just like everyone, we are just going. If we stop for to long we will fall apart.

So that’s the dissenter’s hope: that they are writing not for today but for tomorrow.-RBG

Kindness through the tears

Things my 12 year old shouldn’t have to worry about.

  1. If her friends will survive the school year without getting sick.
  2. That she just isn’t good enough.
  3. Family surviving COVID.
  4. People hating her for who she loves.
  5. If the president will protect her rights.
  6. Will her friends of color be safe.
  7. Her friends committing suicide.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Our poor children are struggling with more then COVID, and I have been asking myself if I am giving them the support they need. I grew up in the ’90s 2000s, her current fears weren’t mine. Are we creating the next generation of uncaring people? I would like to think I am raising kind, empathetic children. We work hard on kindness. 

My daughter has anxiety, I worry her fear will outweigh her heart. Today she showed who she was. She had a friend say they were leaving the earth today. My heart breaks for this kid. No support at home due to his sexuality. I was at work, she was at home. My husband was getting ready to leave. She is in tears calming her friend down. Calls him and helps him find his way. Her heart is stronger than her fear. I am proud of her. 

Realizing how much our children are dealing with is eye-opening. If your children don’t have any of these worries, congratulations! I don’t think it says anything good. These worries are just off the top of my head, I know she has more. I can’t take these fears away. We can show our children how to navigate these fears with kindness. 

Kindness is the way, even when it is hard. 

Still hard…

Nothing about this year is easy for anyone. I interviewed this amazing women yesterday, I will totally name drop because she is awesome. Tammy from Tammy’s round up cafe for our women in business page. She said in her advice for other women to “Breath and keep going.” Great advice and I really needed to hear it.

My T-REX has been cleared to go back to school, no COVID. He went back Tuesday, and today he did not want to go. He had to be forcibly removed from my car. My heart is broken, I can’t make this right for him. I don’t know how to deal with this. Sister can do home school because she listens and works independently because she is 12. He is 6, there is no way I can get him to focus and do homework he got while he was sick. It was like pulling teeth to get him to half ass color a page. He needs school. He hates that he is the only kid wearing a mask. I suspect he doesn’t like his teacher either. None of the things that should have carried over to help him feel confident have because we are in a fucking pandemic!

*** Deep Breath*** Keep going***

The struggle is real and we are not alone. While we may feel alone in our struggles right now. Everyone is dealing with something that is directly caused by this pandemic. We will make it to the other side of this. Mental health is more important then ever, there are support groups. Talking to professionals can also be helpful. Yes I already called a therapist today for him and hopefully will get something happening by next week. Being kind to everyone you can right now is so important because you don’t know what they are dealing with, how full their plate is.

So call this your Reminder that Kindness is free, sprinkle it everywhere you can.

it’s hard you know

A question of COVID or Chagas disease? If you have never heard of Chagas, me either. In fact, I didn’t know kissing bugs were real. They ARE! Monday the T-REX was bit by what my husband called an assassin bug. We gave him allergy meds and cream on it. He was fine. Tuesday he had diarrhea, but diet change from going back to school. Then Friday after school He told us that his teacher said he didn’t have to wear his mask in the classroom. Yes, I was livid. Friday night, he was complaining of a sore throat and sore legs. Saturday, full-on flu symptoms, he didn’t want to eat anything (which anyone with a 6-year-old will tell you is sick behavior). No fever until 5 o’clock. 100.5 which is still very low so we let it run. Took him to urgent care and got a rapid COVID test done along with the flu, strep. All negative. We go home and it was suggested we look into Chagas disease because of his bug bite.

To his doctor, Monday. Most parents have held their children down for shots, flu tests. It is normal in a parents world. It comes with the territory. Holding My son down for his second COVID test however, doesn’t feel normal. It feels like my biggest failure as a parent broke my heart. It was suggested COVID because it was more likely. Given antibiotics and steroids because his ears looked red. Gave us an order for the Chagas test, but I can’t in good conscience take him to the hospital until we get the results.

***Deep breath*** It is only Wednesday. The wait is killing me. I am doing my best to stay busy. The only thing that has improved is his appetite. I am back to working from home. Deep cleaning the house in stages so I don’t make a huge mess trying to clean. Life has to go on, I know that. It is hard and everyone is new to this. Things will get better.

Once a month we do Women in Business at Oklahoma’s Choice Weekly. My monthly BIG project. Each month I am a hot mess getting it together, then once it is together and delivered I fall apart for a few days. My body just can’t manage the stress properly. As of late stress is all I know how to do. Back to school, back to work, back to life. Again I am not alone in this. Two schools near us that opened on the 13th already have Covid closures. Temporarily…. So I am sure there are lots of moms loosing their shit right now. My sweet dogs know I am stressed and are cuddling me every chance they get. I can’t sit down or lay down without them snuggled up trying to alleviate my stress.

This is my face 90% of the time.

From : WE DON’T EAT OUR CLASSMATES by Ryan T. Higgins

Today I am missing a birthday party because I need to catch up with myself. I make “my to do” list that just never seams to get shorter. I no more then check a few things off then 10 more are added. I keep thinking about last school year and all the time I wasted I could have been getting things done. SMH a year wiser and I am still thinking I will get things done when my T-REX is in school. Juggling was hard enough add in a pandemic for fun and you have one tired hot mess momma.

school guilt

With back to school looming, I know there are lots of nervous parents out there. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. My husband and I have changed our school plans multiple times. We finally nervously decided to send Baby T-REX to Kindergarten. I have bought all the school supplies, all the cute back to school clothes, and the most important thing masks. It all feels surreal, 10 days until school starts here, other towns have opened and already moved to online. I am not sure how this will go, how it will all work out. I am trying to stay positive because the world must keep going. My children know to wear masks and wear them better than most adults I know. I know masks aren’t 100% it is helpful. I feel guilty for sending him to school. I just need to get back to work, he needs to get back to learning. I have tried to teach him at home over the summer during the lock down. We got nothing done. I don’t think he learned anything and I just spent my time being frustrated. Who wants to be that grumpy mummy? Not me.

I keep telling myself I am not alone, all parents are loosing their shit right now. Talking to my friends and Facebook I can see it is. It is just hard and the guilt is real. I had major wins at work this week and I can’t enjoy it. Hearing him, with his little voice tell me he wants home school breaks my heart. I can not be super mom and a good employee or even a good wife without school hours so I can focus. Multitasking takes its toll and my health is still not normal. The struggle is real.

Freeman

Smells can make you happy or sick, they can remind you of people or places. I have always had a great nose for smells, I can pick up hints of vanilla or when something is off. I use this skill when I cook for my family since they are meat eaters and I am not. I love it when a smell takes me to a memory.

A little back story, while we were caring for Grand Father Freeman we used CBD & a topical Frankincense to help relax him when he panicked. I put it on him everyday religiously, because we read a study that said it helped mind health. I am not a fan of that smell, but it became his smell and I loved it. When he passed I kept it and when I was missing him I would open it. Smell him and have a little cry.

Yesterday Facebook memories reminded me of Freeman and Baby T-REX watching cartoons and eating snacks together. I missed him. Today I opened his frankincense and instead of going back to that place of sadness. I went to a place of love and acceptance. it was like he was giving me a hug that I desperately wanted and needed. I sat and had a little cry.

I have had people say you weren’t close to him so why are you grieving. That is probably the single most hurtful thing said about our relationship. We didn’t know each other before his accident that took his mind, but that doesn’t mean We couldn’t love each other. Yes, I guarded my heart for a long time because we knew he wouldn’t live forever and he couldn’t remember me 90% of the time. I took care of him, I bathed him, I made sure he was safe, I read to him, I was the only one who could calm him when he was scared. I loved him and in the end, I know he loved me. He didn’t have words at the end, but his eyes told me.

The thing about grief is it is never-ending, you can be 55 and still miss your mom who has been gone for 20 years. You can be 80 and missing a baby who was born sleeping. Our society tells us it ends and we are taught to hide it. Push it down don’t let anyone know. I say don’t hide it, speak their name.

Freeman