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Bloom Twice

Dandelions bloom twice. First they are the cute little yellow flowers that nurture the Bees when spring starts. Then they bloom and spreed their seeds. Dandelions are more than pretty flower, they are food for the bees and humans alike, teas, wine, salads. How great are these weeds? I want to be just like them! I want to have multiple skills, feed those who need to be feed, physically or soulfully.

Speaking of blooming twice, why should we only get to bloom once? Come to think of it, we should get to bloom as much as we want and who says we can’t stay in bloom for a season or two. Plant rules and people rules can’t be the same, right? As the seasons of our lives change shouldn’t our blooms grow more lovely? We should take the time to nurture ourselves to keep from loosing pedals.

**Not my photos**

Cupcakes

I can now bend, well not really. My doctor set my brace to 30% and said he would do my referral for physical therapy. He reminded me why I hate male doctors. I don’t understand why they invalid women. I don’t go back for 4 weeks. So other than the asshole it was a productive day.

Next week is OCW’s 1 year anniversary so I am going to spend the weekend baking my drivers cupcakes to celebrate. I miss them so much, I am going to do my best to make it there to see them. Even if I can’t make it every week I think it is important to be there this week at least.

Photo by Linda Eller-Shein on Pexels.com

draft

Am I alone? I have a box full of drafts. I start these posts then I have to go do something and by the time I get around to finishing them, it is a week later and it makes no since in posting. Before I blamed it on busy, even now it is like I just get busy. *smacks forehead* This isn’t a habit I am proud of, I’m working on it. My mind is a bit muddled. I just got back on my Lupus meds, takes 3 weeks to get the full effect, I’m on week two. It has been all I can do to keep up with my work.

Next Friday I get to bend my leg! I have probably never been more anxious and ready for a doctors appointment. I am ready to walk, drive, clean my house. Each day I add something to my list of things I am ready to do. With summer coming that list keeps getting bigger. Only 2 weeks of school left for one kid and I need to be up and moving to help keep him busy.

When you aren’t a ask for help person and something like this happens. I think it is important take note of who shows up without being asked. My Sister in-law has been here every chance she has, picking Little T-REX from school, coming to sit with me since I can’t be alone. My favorite festival was at the start of April, she went to get my favorite pie. I was blessed when my brother married her.

bend don’t break

We go through patterns, Since 2021 started I have been on the go none stop. Even when we have had to stay home and quarantine, all I did was work, house work. I kept telling myself this is investing in ourselves and in the paper. I took the time out to start reading Jamie Kern Lima’s book Believe it, even printed her work book to go with it. I though it would help me take some time for myself and help me focus on my writing because I really wanted to make more time. Be careful what you wish for, be specific, clear.

Well I got my time off, I also get to put my feet up. This is not exactly what I had in mind. in fact my thoughts were more get most of my work done and take Mondays or Fridays off and write and get my porch ready and enjoy writing outside. Not a broken Knee, not surgery, not a summer of physical therapy. Husband just bought me a new to me SUV for hauling children to the lake, for all the camping. Now I am not even sure I will be able to drive by the time school gets out.

Here I am in the ER screaming in pain, on my second dose of Dilaudid, and Toradol because one wasn’t helping at all. Tears running down my face, just thinking how am I going to do this until surgery. The receptionist comes in and asks if I am that Misty Crouse, that she feels like she is meeting a celebrity because she just loves reading what I write and looks forward to what I have to say each month. That of course just makes me cry even more. It still makes me cry, she was very lovely and it was kind of her to tell me that. I’m embarrassed how much I cried and screamed that first few days. I am still a little weepy I keep thinking she was a nudge to give me something to focus on while I heal, not knowing that I all ready put that I wanted more time to right out to the universe. I just wasn’t detailed in my request.

Surgery was yesterday, I’m still not feeling like myself. I got my second Moderna Vaccine this morning. I am grateful to have been able to still get it. I was terrified I would have to miss it. I know I’ll be sore tomorrow but it’s not like I am running marathons right now anyway. Trying to keep on the positive side. I have plenty of time to read and write, nap. I’m not missing the cleaning, I am missing making dinner and baking. I think once I get my bendable brace I will be able to at least make dinner. I think everyone is really missing that.

The dogs and cats have been hovering and snuggling me as much as they possibly can. Pop-Pop sent flowers. Our oldest has been making dinner, they aren’t doing to bad for being 12. Last night they made spaghetti and there were no leftovers, that is high praise in this house. A friend paid my ER copay, Insurance has paid more than I thought they would. All of Husbands friends have been so kind, from finding me a wheel chair to fixing it for my leg, our neighbor who is letting me use their spare walker with a seat. (which was wonderful today when I went to get my vaccine.) I am so blessed, when I am up and walking, Brownies all around!

19 years

19 years ago, I started dating my husband. In May we will married for 15 years.

Sounds like a lifetime to most people. It really isn’t when you are with your person. I still see that sweet idiot with the pink car holding his bumper. While neither of us are the same people, the years have changed us, we have grown through births, deaths, cars, houses, pets, jobs, days of laughter and heartache.

The truth is this year while it has been hard because of covid, my health, homeschooling/virtual learning it has given us the freedom to make changes and spend more time together. We learned we love to garden together, even if we aren’t great at it. Neither of us can get T-REX to do school work. We learned we love to craft together. That nothing beats a movie in bed.

Here is to a lifetime of love together.

Goodbye 2020

Whew what a year 2020 was. I am so grateful to be starting a new year with my family, I know many do not have the same luxury. I do not take this for granted.

My little T-REX went back to school to day and stomach is full of fear. My oldest is on anti-depressants, 2020 has been very hard on them. I keep thinking about the struggle of it all, it is easy to loose sight of all the great things that have happened this year. I don’t want to dwell, so here is my top 10 good things that happened to my family.

  1. I started a NEW Job and I get paid to write! Like that has been my goal for years now.
  2. T-REX finally adjusted to glasses and now his eyes are officially no longer getting worse every visit! That’s pretty big for being 6!
  3. We had a garden, we increased our chicken flock. Husband is enjoying the heck out of them everyday and already planning our spring garden.
  4. Sister has developed a nice little following on their Instagram for Art. Kinda a Big Deal to a 12 year old.
  5. Husband while still super stressed is finally getting control of his anxiety and managing the physical side effects.
  6. I started my health journey. While I don’t feel great everyday, I think the fact that it is happening is a positive.
  7. Grandpa and his dogs got their own little house.
  8. We cleaned out our garage, that alone deserves a gold star.
  9. T-REX sleeps in his own room!
  10. We spent time together, from board games to movies. We just hung out together.

For every bad thing that directly happened to us, something okay-ish, good, wonderful came from it. While it was a struggle, 2020 taught me to be more selfish and selfless.

Experiment and Jumble

My mind is a bit off right now. New meds… so stopping the Vulcan maker.

I now live in a state of juggling meds to get the effects we need, only one I take is actually for autoimmune. Everything else is an experiment on what might work for my body. I spend to much in bed, to much time pretending that I am perfectly healthy, that nothing is wrong, I tell my parents that I have this under control all while I am fighting to keep myself together and keep life as normal as possible for my children. I had to tell T-REX’s therapist because she couldn’t figure out why he hated going to school and my heart broke when she & I both realized this issue he is having is all my fault. I can’t fix it for him. I am grasping at threads of my life trying to keep everything together all while outside people are fighting about how serious a deadly virus is. People dying and the fact that it is even up for debate boggles my mind, I have been told I have nothing to fear because I am young and healthy. I beg my parents to be careful, to wear their masks and wash their hands because I need them to survive this, I need them. I am struggling to make since of any of this.

I should mention, I have had to give up alcohol, which isn’t a huge deal except some days when you are super stressed you want a glass of wine or a beer with your dinner. With the meds I will get violently ill, especially since the newest is just for that. I also have to give up my afternoon Yellow Redbull which is probably for the best, I just wish it was for a good reason. Redbull discontinuing it is the worst. I could hunt it down but that would mean going in so many gas stations so that is dangerous for me to do

My husband is in the process of being diagnosed with Alfa-Gal which is a weird thing by it’s self. Basically my house is one step closer to Vegetarian, beef and some dairy items making him sick. His aunt has this so thankfully we are prepared to deal with this. Plus with my dairy issues, we are on our way to the vegan life. Well I will probably keep eggs because they are wonderful and I love a good fried egg. One step of his issues handled and 5 more days of a heart monitor, which he started a new med a few days ago and it seems to be doing the trick. **Fingers crossed** Our insurance policy starts over soonish so if we can get the expensive parts done.

T-REX’s school is closed until the 30th due to COVID-19 but the rest of the town is still in school. And just like that I just got the call closing the rest of the schools. Man maybe I should call out a very fat check or that new SUV I have been dreaming of. I must be magic today. Sister is not loving him being home all week. They are both rocking the homework, Husband and I are taking turns on staying home with them. It is going to be a fun experiment I am hoping this doesn’t carry over into Christmas.

My sister’s office in Iowa went down with Covid-19. Which enforces the whole digital Thanksgiving idea. I am nervous that we are the only ones staying home. If they go back to school there will be a out break all over again. Makes me think I should buy some toilet paper before everyone starts buying it all up again.

This is just a whole jumble.

F*CK 2020

Vulcan

Where we left off. I feel like it has been a lifetime, so much going on. The struggle to keep up is like walking in heels in mud. You are moving but your feet hurt and you are walking slow.

My meds have turned me into a Vulcan as my friend described. At first, I was so tired, I could barely get out of bed. I worked and went right back to bed as soon as I walked through the door. It was like my lupus had gotten worse. My doctor warned me that it would take a while to get to a new normal and we would have to adjust as we go. My sister-in-law has taken this antidepressant before and warned me that it takes a full month to work right. I am getting close to that month mark. I just want my feelings back. My friend has promised that it isn’t as bad as I think it is. My kids haven’t noticed, my husband says it is fine if I can get to the point where I don’t have to nap before dinner.

My friend’s mother passed away. This is the worst time to not have feelings. My heart is broken, it came on so fast. Pneumonia, then lungs and liver, to spine. 30 days it devoured her. Her poor children couldn’t do anything but help keep her as pain-free as possible. Called the family to come to say their goodbyes.

While she was not a perfect person, she had trauma just like everyone else. She could have become closed off and hateful but she didn’t. She was easy to love. She adored my children, she was always kind to me. A few times when we were struggling she had me watch her dog and overpaid me on purpose to help and not let it feel like a handout because she knew how hard life can be. She never judged my hair or piercings. She went out of her way to make me feel welcome. She loved her children and grandchildren, there was nothing they could do that she would have stopped loving them.


Her passing will be felt for years. My friend will always be looking for home now. Can Adults be orphans? Surely they can. Her children are now orphans and missing their best friend. I feel like I am a bad friend because I am not as feeling as I should be. I sent brownies, but with covid, you can’t give hugs, you can’t hold their hands. My husband mowed their yard to help because the weather was going to turn and he felt like they wouldn’t want to come home and do it.

I think I have learned that I need to get things right with my mother before I am lost and looking for home too.

Still going…

While it has been a minute since I have had time to sit and write. We are all still going with the flow.

Updates: My T-REX has started visiting with his therapist. His teacher couldn’t understand why we were having her come. She explained we are proactive parents and he hates school right now so she was there to help him process these changes. We had a parent teacher meeting on the phone. Apparently he is great at school and has made fast friends with his tablemates.

How cute is this face!!

Sister’s friend is doing better, they are talking a few times a week. She went back on her anxiety meds. This year has been hard on her and her teacher has 50 students & no in person meeting has her a little stressed. I think all the changes are getting to her too.

Sister and her Chicken

Husband put in his notice at work and is going to come work at the paper with me full time. This is stressful and exciting for us. He has some medical issues and his current work schedule is the worst for appointments. This shift will give him a chance to go to the doctor and have time at home.

Harvesting His Meds

Monday( September 28th) I got my official diagnosis. No surprise it is Lupus. I am lucky my primary doctor knew what was going on, she had all the test already ordered so it was a pretty fast diagnosis. Started Hydroxychloroquine (aka the Trump Drug) & Duloxetine ( an anti-depressant that is commonly used for lupus) on Monday. The doctor said we need to watch for more symptoms while we wait for these to work. Could be 9 weeks.

3 pills to change my life

Just like everyone, we are just going. If we stop for to long we will fall apart.

So that’s the dissenter’s hope: that they are writing not for today but for tomorrow.-RBG

Kindness through the tears

Things my 12 year old shouldn’t have to worry about.

  1. If her friends will survive the school year without getting sick.
  2. That she just isn’t good enough.
  3. Family surviving COVID.
  4. People hating her for who she loves.
  5. If the president will protect her rights.
  6. Will her friends of color be safe.
  7. Her friends committing suicide.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately. Our poor children are struggling with more then COVID, and I have been asking myself if I am giving them the support they need. I grew up in the ’90s 2000s, her current fears weren’t mine. Are we creating the next generation of uncaring people? I would like to think I am raising kind, empathetic children. We work hard on kindness. 

My daughter has anxiety, I worry her fear will outweigh her heart. Today she showed who she was. She had a friend say they were leaving the earth today. My heart breaks for this kid. No support at home due to his sexuality. I was at work, she was at home. My husband was getting ready to leave. She is in tears calming her friend down. Calls him and helps him find his way. Her heart is stronger than her fear. I am proud of her. 

Realizing how much our children are dealing with is eye-opening. If your children don’t have any of these worries, congratulations! I don’t think it says anything good. These worries are just off the top of my head, I know she has more. I can’t take these fears away. We can show our children how to navigate these fears with kindness. 

Kindness is the way, even when it is hard.