With back to school looming, I know there are lots of nervous parents out there. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. My husband and I have changed our school plans multiple times. We finally nervously decided to send Baby T-REX to Kindergarten. I have bought all the school supplies, all the cute back to school clothes, and the most important thing masks. It all feels surreal, 10 days until school starts here, other towns have opened and already moved to online. I am not sure how this will go, how it will all work out. I am trying to stay positive because the world must keep going. My children know to wear masks and wear them better than most adults I know. I know masks aren’t 100% it is helpful. I feel guilty for sending him to school. I just need to get back to work, he needs to get back to learning. I have tried to teach him at home over the summer during the lock down. We got nothing done. I don’t think he learned anything and I just spent my time being frustrated. Who wants to be that grumpy mummy? Not me.
I keep telling myself I am not alone, all parents are loosing their shit right now. Talking to my friends and Facebook I can see it is. It is just hard and the guilt is real. I had major wins at work this week and I can’t enjoy it. Hearing him, with his little voice tell me he wants home school breaks my heart. I can not be super mom and a good employee or even a good wife without school hours so I can focus. Multitasking takes its toll and my health is still not normal. The struggle is real.
Smells can make you happy or sick, they can remind you of people or places. I have always had a great nose for smells, I can pick up hints of vanilla or when something is off. I use this skill when I cook for my family since they are meat eaters and I am not. I love it when a smell takes me to a memory.
A little back story, while we were caring for Grand Father Freeman we used CBD & a topical Frankincense to help relax him when he panicked. I put it on him everyday religiously, because we read a study that said it helped mind health. I am not a fan of that smell, but it became his smell and I loved it. When he passed I kept it and when I was missing him I would open it. Smell him and have a little cry.
Yesterday Facebook memories reminded me of Freeman and Baby T-REX watching cartoons and eating snacks together. I missed him. Today I opened his frankincense and instead of going back to that place of sadness. I went to a place of love and acceptance. it was like he was giving me a hug that I desperately wanted and needed. I sat and had a little cry.
I have had people say you weren’t close to him so why are you grieving. That is probably the single most hurtful thing said about our relationship. We didn’t know each other before his accident that took his mind, but that doesn’t mean We couldn’t love each other. Yes, I guarded my heart for a long time because we knew he wouldn’t live forever and he couldn’t remember me 90% of the time. I took care of him, I bathed him, I made sure he was safe, I read to him, I was the only one who could calm him when he was scared. I loved him and in the end, I know he loved me. He didn’t have words at the end, but his eyes told me.
The thing about grief is it is never-ending, you can be 55 and still miss your mom who has been gone for 20 years. You can be 80 and missing a baby who was born sleeping. Our society tells us it ends and we are taught to hide it. Push it down don’t let anyone know. I say don’t hide it, speak their name.
Work, work, work….. The struggle is real Y’all. I am juggling and not well if I am honest. Yesterday was a big work day, I spent the whole day on the computer working and writing. It was also Baby T-REX’s 6th Birthday. I am so behind. While he is fine with a little cake, ice cream and gifts Sunday. It still breaks my heart that I am not to the place with work that I can take the day off and spend it with him. Of course with Covid-19 we couldn’t have done anything he wanted to do anyway. I feel like we have been spinning in our hamster wheel and wasted the flat curve by not listening.
I have the Mom guilt and I am trying to blame Covid for my inability to keep up. I know I am not alone in this struggle. It is just frustrating to never feel like you ever have enough time. We all know Birthdays give us that feeling.
We get busy living in the mundane and forget about the joys of life. I am guilty, so guilty. I am busy learning new skills for websites, while the children are busy growing and destroying the house. We had to take a break for Father’s Day weekend. We went to the lake and had a lazy few days. Relaxed, burnt our shoulders and noses. Spent our time snacking and talking about everything and nothing at the same time. A nice little break before we dive back into the workweek made plans with my favorite brother to camp for the 4th of July.
Diving back in to work on Monday, I think I’ve had more coffee then I have food this week. I can’t imagine why I never feel good. While I have been pushing to check things off my to-do list, it hasn’t gotten any shorter. The children have broken their YouTube habits! They have discovered “Good Burger” which is the best thing ever. Working in the evenings we have been honing our vinyl skills. We keep making things for around the house, everything must have a label. I haven’t started monogramming everything yet. Everyone we know will probably get something we made this year, just so we can practice.
When working with your spouse time flies. I think that might be the joy in the everyday. We get started on a project and the next thing I know it is bedtime. Slowly we are learning what we need to. The garage office set up is slow going, which means we are set up at the kitchen table. I’m too embarrassed by the mess otherwise I would show you all. The kitchen table is also my work office, with COVID picking back up it may be a long time before I get a real office. I am interested to see if the garage office is done before we get a work office. It is a race to see which office is done first. ** shaking my head** I swear I am grateful to need an office. I am excited to be able to put my computer to sleep and stop at a reasonable hour and go home. Or stop a project and not have to spend more time putting it up and being able to pick it back up. A girl has a nice dream. I am hoping that by Christmas I will have at least one office, two would have me tickled pink.
The second wave of covid-19 is in Oklahoma. With all the misinformation going around masks have not been worn, social distance isn’t happening, everyone is tired of it all. Instead of buckling down and keep distance, unfortunately life went back to normal. The whole theory of summer stopping it and giving everyone a break clearly was a bad theory.
In our home we have been doing our best to keep social distancing and wear our masks out in public. My children keep seeing people living their best lives out in the world like nothing ever happened. Explaining to them that it isn’t over and we still have to be safe, over and over. When in Walmart , I seen more people without masks then with. They put arrows on the floors and no one pays any attention to them. I could understand before when they only had painter tape on the ground, but they got them specially made.
In the mean time I will stay home with my children, dogs and garden where it is safe.
I have no words for the past few weeks, just a broken heart. I am a White woman. While I don’t consider myself privileged, we are a pay check to pay check family. I do believe I have white privilege. I have always tried to use my voice for those in the minority. I’m not sure I am even explaining myself well. I was pro Gay before the LGBTQ+ movement was big, I have been for equal right for all my whole life. I want the paying field level for all. I felt like I was doing enough. Watching George Floyd murdered, hearing him cry out for his Momma, made me realize I haven’t done nearly enough. I am a mother, while I am not every ones mother, I am a mother. I should be using my White privilege, mother’s Voice for more. I need to be more involved. I always though that raising my children as allies was the biggest thing I could do. I realize now that they need to see me as a active ally. That standing behind or beside isn’t enough, if they were my children I would stand in front. Why am I not doing that for them now? Because I am busy is a shitty excuse. When the call for emails and phone calls come, I will make the time and I will enlist my children to help.
My Mother in-law and I were having a conversation the other day. We always have great talks. As Mothers, as women, we are the ones who make things happen. It is exhausting. I thought on it some more and if I don’t make it happen, it doesn’t happen. That driving force that keeps everything going. In my case, holidays, birthdays, school anything, sports, family outings. No wonder I am tired and binge eating sugar carbs, drinking my weight in coffee. Can’t imagine why my body is revolting against me. Every time I over do a event, Am I showing my daughter that to be a good Mother you have to be this extra? See good conversation brings deep thoughts. Am I setting her up for the same kinda exhaustion? That personal expectation of perfection? If you know me you know I am not perfect and I don’t claim to be. If anything I may be a little O.C.D., I like all events to go how I pictured them. I start weeks a head, so extra. I have stories about hand crafting paper flowers for my aunts Birthday party. I burnt my fingers with hot glue. I’d be surprised if I didn’t change my finger prints. The flowers were super cute and I spent weeks making them.
I know that a big part of this is lacking from childhood. Children of Jehovah witnesses all seem to have similar issues. We all seem to go big especially with holidays & birthdays, like it will somehow make up for what we missed out on. I think it is important that we see our trauma and address it. Sorting out this mess now that I see it is going to take a while. Lots of deep self talk to figure out or therapy.
This evening we had Pre-K Graduation! By graduation I mean, we drove to the school. Teachers waved, handed up a trash bag sealed with a memory book and the shirt they were suppose to wear for graduation. I am not ungrateful, I swear. I bought a child’s cap and gown a few weeks ago. He wore that and they took a picture with him in the car and them masked up out side of the car. I know that that made him feel special.
I am heartbroken that he thinks that was normal. He is my last baby, this is my last pre-k graduation. I know that high school seniors parents can understand this feeling. I got back & forth. I am proud our community handled this with grace and kindness but I am angry that these experiences have been taken from us. I am angry, I am sad.
He doesn’t have any of these feelings. He is happy he graduated. He doesn’t know this isn’t normal. I am grateful that he is resilient.
Humming 9 to 5 by Dolly, drinking cold coffee. I like to grind out my work first thing in the morning so i have the afternoon to get everything that comes up done. Right now working during the day while the rest of the staff is working evenings and weekends is difficult to say the least. New Routines all around, unfortunately it means I spend a good amount of time twiddling my thumbs because I don’t have blah from blah. Which means I am running a day behind on everything. It is a odd disconnect working at home.
I’ll have all my work done, I don’t.
I’ll have a super clean house, I don’t.
I’ll make every meal from scratch, I’m about half of the time on this one.
I’ll have my children home schooled better than school did, Okay I really never even thought this one because my children’s teachers are my heroes and I dare not compete.
I’ll have so much time to paint, I have the time lack the motivation.
I know I am not alone in this work from home stumbling. I know others who are grinding a way at it, I am envious. I miss having an office with a door I can close. At home if I don’t wear head phones, from my dinning table/desk I am over stimulated by B’s phone noise while he chain smokes, Baby T-REX playing Mine craft, Sister doing School work. Kills my focus. I miss coffee with co-workers, I even miss hearing them complain about each other.
I have been debating on if I should even talk about this or not. I can’t be the only one out there that this happened to during the pandemic.
….. I got Fired.
First thing, I have NEVER been fired in my whole life. That alone is a whole different thing for me to deal with. Second thing, the paper was owned by a large Company that owns so many papers. I won’t say the name. They are in financial trouble, they closed multiple papers that day. We were just a bucket of water they dumped while trying to bail out their boat. I can be calm about it now that I have had time to breath and get in my right mind. Time to see them trying to save other papers, I know it wasn’t personal now.
We had so many plans for this next year. While we knew the pandemic was going to push our plans back and things were going to be tight. This was unexpected. Fortunately for me my co-workers are not the lay down and die kind. The Salesman has started a new paper, Oklahoma’s Choice Weekly. It will take time to build and grow. There is a plan and I feel it will grow bigger than what was before, since their is no corporate to keep us limited. No more worries about stepping on a sister’s toes.
Starting over isn’t easy, I’m struggling. Children are home for a extra long summer, I have no office, even if I did the virus makes that difficult. Working from home, like the rest of the world. You may have noticed the change in my page. I am navigating the freelance world while I build social media and newsletters. Collecting new skills to prepare me for the next jump. I don’t know whats next but I want to be more prepared.