Nothing about this year is easy for anyone. I interviewed this amazing women yesterday, I will totally name drop because she is awesome. Tammy from Tammy’s round up cafe for our women in business page. She said in her advice for other women to “Breath and keep going.” Great advice and I really needed to hear it.
My T-REX has been cleared to go back to school, no COVID. He went back Tuesday, and today he did not want to go. He had to be forcibly removed from my car. My heart is broken, I can’t make this right for him. I don’t know how to deal with this. Sister can do home school because she listens and works independently because she is 12. He is 6, there is no way I can get him to focus and do homework he got while he was sick. It was like pulling teeth to get him to half ass color a page. He needs school. He hates that he is the only kid wearing a mask. I suspect he doesn’t like his teacher either. None of the things that should have carried over to help him feel confident have because we are in a fucking pandemic!
*** Deep Breath*** Keep going***
The struggle is real and we are not alone. While we may feel alone in our struggles right now. Everyone is dealing with something that is directly caused by this pandemic. We will make it to the other side of this. Mental health is more important then ever, there are support groups. Talking to professionals can also be helpful. Yes I already called a therapist today for him and hopefully will get something happening by next week. Being kind to everyone you can right now is so important because you don’t know what they are dealing with, how full their plate is.
So call this your Reminder that Kindness is free, sprinkle it everywhere you can.
A question of COVID or Chagas disease? If you have never heard of Chagas, me either. In fact, I didn’t know kissing bugs were real. They ARE! Monday the T-REX was bit by what my husband called an assassin bug. We gave him allergy meds and cream on it. He was fine. Tuesday he had diarrhea, but diet change from going back to school. Then Friday after school He told us that his teacher said he didn’t have to wear his mask in the classroom. Yes, I was livid. Friday night, he was complaining of a sore throat and sore legs. Saturday, full-on flu symptoms, he didn’t want to eat anything (which anyone with a 6-year-old will tell you is sick behavior). No fever until 5 o’clock. 100.5 which is still very low so we let it run. Took him to urgent care and got a rapid COVID test done along with the flu, strep. All negative. We go home and it was suggested we look into Chagas disease because of his bug bite.
To his doctor, Monday. Most parents have held their children down for shots, flu tests. It is normal in a parents world. It comes with the territory. Holding My son down for his second COVID test however, doesn’t feel normal. It feels like my biggest failure as a parent broke my heart. It was suggested COVID because it was more likely. Given antibiotics and steroids because his ears looked red. Gave us an order for the Chagas test, but I can’t in good conscience take him to the hospital until we get the results.
***Deep breath*** It is only Wednesday. The wait is killing me. I am doing my best to stay busy. The only thing that has improved is his appetite. I am back to working from home. Deep cleaning the house in stages so I don’t make a huge mess trying to clean. Life has to go on, I know that. It is hard and everyone is new to this. Things will get better.
Once a month we do Women in Business at Oklahoma’s Choice Weekly. My monthly BIG project. Each month I am a hot mess getting it together, then once it is together and delivered I fall apart for a few days. My body just can’t manage the stress properly. As of late stress is all I know how to do. Back to school, back to work, back to life. Again I am not alone in this. Two schools near us that opened on the 13th already have Covid closures. Temporarily…. So I am sure there are lots of moms loosing their shit right now. My sweet dogs know I am stressed and are cuddling me every chance they get. I can’t sit down or lay down without them snuggled up trying to alleviate my stress.
This is my face 90% of the time.
Today I am missing a birthday party because I need to catch up with myself. I make “my to do” list that just never seams to get shorter. I no more then check a few things off then 10 more are added. I keep thinking about last school year and all the time I wasted I could have been getting things done. SMH a year wiser and I am still thinking I will get things done when my T-REX is in school. Juggling was hard enough add in a pandemic for fun and you have one tired hot mess momma.
With back to school looming, I know there are lots of nervous parents out there. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried. My husband and I have changed our school plans multiple times. We finally nervously decided to send Baby T-REX to Kindergarten. I have bought all the school supplies, all the cute back to school clothes, and the most important thing masks. It all feels surreal, 10 days until school starts here, other towns have opened and already moved to online. I am not sure how this will go, how it will all work out. I am trying to stay positive because the world must keep going. My children know to wear masks and wear them better than most adults I know. I know masks aren’t 100% it is helpful. I feel guilty for sending him to school. I just need to get back to work, he needs to get back to learning. I have tried to teach him at home over the summer during the lock down. We got nothing done. I don’t think he learned anything and I just spent my time being frustrated. Who wants to be that grumpy mummy? Not me.
I keep telling myself I am not alone, all parents are loosing their shit right now. Talking to my friends and Facebook I can see it is. It is just hard and the guilt is real. I had major wins at work this week and I can’t enjoy it. Hearing him, with his little voice tell me he wants home school breaks my heart. I can not be super mom and a good employee or even a good wife without school hours so I can focus. Multitasking takes its toll and my health is still not normal. The struggle is real.
Smells can make you happy or sick, they can remind you of people or places. I have always had a great nose for smells, I can pick up hints of vanilla or when something is off. I use this skill when I cook for my family since they are meat eaters and I am not. I love it when a smell takes me to a memory.
A little back story, while we were caring for Grand Father Freeman we used CBD & a topical Frankincense to help relax him when he panicked. I put it on him everyday religiously, because we read a study that said it helped mind health. I am not a fan of that smell, but it became his smell and I loved it. When he passed I kept it and when I was missing him I would open it. Smell him and have a little cry.
Yesterday Facebook memories reminded me of Freeman and Baby T-REX watching cartoons and eating snacks together. I missed him. Today I opened his frankincense and instead of going back to that place of sadness. I went to a place of love and acceptance. it was like he was giving me a hug that I desperately wanted and needed. I sat and had a little cry.
I have had people say you weren’t close to him so why are you grieving. That is probably the single most hurtful thing said about our relationship. We didn’t know each other before his accident that took his mind, but that doesn’t mean We couldn’t love each other. Yes, I guarded my heart for a long time because we knew he wouldn’t live forever and he couldn’t remember me 90% of the time. I took care of him, I bathed him, I made sure he was safe, I read to him, I was the only one who could calm him when he was scared. I loved him and in the end, I know he loved me. He didn’t have words at the end, but his eyes told me.
The thing about grief is it is never-ending, you can be 55 and still miss your mom who has been gone for 20 years. You can be 80 and missing a baby who was born sleeping. Our society tells us it ends and we are taught to hide it. Push it down don’t let anyone know. I say don’t hide it, speak their name.
Work, work, work….. The struggle is real Y’all. I am juggling and not well if I am honest. Yesterday was a big work day, I spent the whole day on the computer working and writing. It was also Baby T-REX’s 6th Birthday. I am so behind. While he is fine with a little cake, ice cream and gifts Sunday. It still breaks my heart that I am not to the place with work that I can take the day off and spend it with him. Of course with Covid-19 we couldn’t have done anything he wanted to do anyway. I feel like we have been spinning in our hamster wheel and wasted the flat curve by not listening.
I have the Mom guilt and I am trying to blame Covid for my inability to keep up. I know I am not alone in this struggle. It is just frustrating to never feel like you ever have enough time. We all know Birthdays give us that feeling.
We get busy living in the mundane and forget about the joys of life. I am guilty, so guilty. I am busy learning new skills for websites, while the children are busy growing and destroying the house. We had to take a break for Father’s Day weekend. We went to the lake and had a lazy few days. Relaxed, burnt our shoulders and noses. Spent our time snacking and talking about everything and nothing at the same time. A nice little break before we dive back into the workweek made plans with my favorite brother to camp for the 4th of July.
Diving back in to work on Monday, I think I’ve had more coffee then I have food this week. I can’t imagine why I never feel good. While I have been pushing to check things off my to-do list, it hasn’t gotten any shorter. The children have broken their YouTube habits! They have discovered “Good Burger” which is the best thing ever. Working in the evenings we have been honing our vinyl skills. We keep making things for around the house, everything must have a label. I haven’t started monogramming everything yet. Everyone we know will probably get something we made this year, just so we can practice.
When working with your spouse time flies. I think that might be the joy in the everyday. We get started on a project and the next thing I know it is bedtime. Slowly we are learning what we need to. The garage office set up is slow going, which means we are set up at the kitchen table. I’m too embarrassed by the mess otherwise I would show you all. The kitchen table is also my work office, with COVID picking back up it may be a long time before I get a real office. I am interested to see if the garage office is done before we get a work office. It is a race to see which office is done first. ** shaking my head** I swear I am grateful to need an office. I am excited to be able to put my computer to sleep and stop at a reasonable hour and go home. Or stop a project and not have to spend more time putting it up and being able to pick it back up. A girl has a nice dream. I am hoping that by Christmas I will have at least one office, two would have me tickled pink.
The second wave of covid-19 is in Oklahoma. With all the misinformation going around masks have not been worn, social distance isn’t happening, everyone is tired of it all. Instead of buckling down and keep distance, unfortunately life went back to normal. The whole theory of summer stopping it and giving everyone a break clearly was a bad theory.
In our home we have been doing our best to keep social distancing and wear our masks out in public. My children keep seeing people living their best lives out in the world like nothing ever happened. Explaining to them that it isn’t over and we still have to be safe, over and over. When in Walmart , I seen more people without masks then with. They put arrows on the floors and no one pays any attention to them. I could understand before when they only had painter tape on the ground, but they got them specially made.
In the mean time I will stay home with my children, dogs and garden where it is safe.
I have no words for the past few weeks, just a broken heart. I am a White woman. While I don’t consider myself privileged, we are a pay check to pay check family. I do believe I have white privilege. I have always tried to use my voice for those in the minority. I’m not sure I am even explaining myself well. I was pro Gay before the LGBTQ+ movement was big, I have been for equal right for all my whole life. I want the paying field level for all. I felt like I was doing enough. Watching George Floyd murdered, hearing him cry out for his Momma, made me realize I haven’t done nearly enough. I am a mother, while I am not every ones mother, I am a mother. I should be using my White privilege, mother’s Voice for more. I need to be more involved. I always though that raising my children as allies was the biggest thing I could do. I realize now that they need to see me as a active ally. That standing behind or beside isn’t enough, if they were my children I would stand in front. Why am I not doing that for them now? Because I am busy is a shitty excuse. When the call for emails and phone calls come, I will make the time and I will enlist my children to help.