It has been cold for 2 days now. 30’s and 40’s not ideal temperatures for gardening. I spent yesterday in the kitchen instead. A cold day is perfect for baking soda bread and a slow soup. So yummy, I forgot to take a picture of the finished soup.
My children swear they do not like rice pudding. The fact that there were no leftovers say differently. Sweet rice in your belly on a cold night, it is a different kind of comfort. A comfort the world could use right now. Cue the music for “what the world needs now is love.” I will be humming that all day now.
My Mother in-law said today that we are allowed to grieve the life we had before. Not just before of this virus, but any other before. Back before I met my husband, in fact early teens, my Mother in-law was in a car accident. She almost lost her right arm, a doctor put it back together with metal. Now she got to keep the arm but her life isn’t the same, she doesn’t have full range of motion. Her life is marked before the accident and after. If anyone understands grieving normal life it is her. I know most of us have lots of markers in time, before kids, before deaths. Not everyone has before illnesses, with her arm she understand that before. Missing doing normal things.
I am in a state of limbo, I am struggling with my life. That grey area right where the before and after switch places. I may have Lupus. Due to the Virus, I am waiting to see a specialist to get an official diagnosis. A year ago if I was anxious, I could turn on some music and clean my house top to bottom in one day. Today I am struggling to keep the dishes done. I miss having the energy from before., I miss my life before. I go out to my garden in the morning and piddle around, I have to lay down when I come back in. All of my joints hurt, my hair is falling out, weird rash on my neck that will not go away. My finger tips keep loosing feeling, I cut myself and had no clue until a few hours later when I could feel my fingers again. My hands stop working and I drop whatever is in them. My stomach hurts all the time depending on what I eat, enough that I’d rather not eat most of the time. One would think that would mean I have lost weight, not a oz no matter what I do. At the drop of a hat I have headaches the turn into migraines quickly. My head is foggy, I can’t think of words I want to use. I can’t spell them or even get close.
I am an overachiever living with no control. My body can’t keep up with my mind and my want. I am a caretaker who cannot take care of herself. I have never felt more vulnerable, in a constant state of worry. In life we travel one hurdle after another and not having a official name for this mountain I am climbing. Not having a plan because the world is in turmoil. I love a plan, I love a list, without a diagnosis I can’t prepare myself or my family. I just read what I should do if it is lupus and what should help. SHOULD. All of these shoulds are medicated shoulds, until I get to that point there is no normal. Just lots of trying. I mean a lot of trying., I did a juice cleanse, I did fasting. Now I am cutting out as much sugar as possible. I am trying every natural thing there is out there.
I worry about…. Everything in my life. How it will all change soon.
Life must go on. While the world is in turmoil, people trying to stay positive. More has closed in Cushing. While my husband and I are both considered essential, we navigating our new life with more purpose. No more just running to the store when we are out of something. I am making it a point to make things from scratch, embracing vintage life. We planted a Victory Garden yesterday. Spent the whole day outside, purchased plants from our local greenhouse. It felt nice to be productive and spending time together in the fresh air. Kids running around, the dogs and cats following us around. Could not have been a better more exhausting day. I’m interested to see how you are keeping busy during this time.
In the darkness, great things bloom. Oklahoma issued the Safer at home if you are vulnerable to go into effect at midnight tonight. Which that is a whole different conversation. Launching our Oklahoma Scenes Spring Edition right now feels wrong, how can I ask my Friends and Family to go out and pick up a copy. I want to show them what I have been up to, and what I am continuing to work on.
The show must go on right. We worked hard on this for 2 months. I am terrified it will not be well received right now. I know that is anxiety and fear talking., trying to stop my growth. Out of darkness comes light, out of my fear I will grow. **Deep Breaths** This to shall pass.
Every morning since we were asked to stay home, I try to sleep in. If i sleep in the kids will and they will worry less if they are asleep. I can’t sleep my heart is full of worry. I make a cup of coffee and snuggle into my chair, husband fills me in on what has occurred while we have slept. Counting numbers, comparing counties numbers. Silent prayers for the world, I start with the world, then I move to individual countries, then to the United States, then each state. I start with New York, going down the coast and moving to Texas where I go to recover my heart, moving to California where the ocean kisses the shore. On up to Washington where my people are, I say that prayer twice. Now I move on to the plains and back to Oklahoma where my heart lives. Silent prayers as I sip my morning coffee.
At some point in your life you have felt like your world was over. Obviously it did not end, you are here reading this now. Much like the song, it’s the end of the world as we know it.(Found here) Right now in the world we all feel like life as we know it is over. In part that is true, the normal day to day is changing. Most schools are cancelled until April 6th, parents are scrambling to get childcare, groceries, and most still working. It is a strange, difficult time for anyone who is not in that doesn’t fall into that “tax bracket”. There is light in these dark places, small kindnesses are going a long way. Of course there are those who are buying all the toilet paper and leaving none for anyone else.
I’d like to say in my small town everything is sunshine and lollipops. Our Community leaders are doing a wonderful job and catching flack left and right. People risking their health and their families health. Yet people are cursing and treating them less than human for things they have no control over and they still show up because they know they are essential to out community no matter how badly they are being treated.
I don’t want anyone to think that our town is just a asshole fest, it is not! In fact that light I mentioned before is shining bright locally. While the schools are closed the schools are offering drive up meals for the children so no child will be left hungry. The senior center is doing the same. The local government, local radio station, local papers are all trying to keep everyone informed but entertained while they stay home. The internet is booming with tips on helping keep kids busy and not just watching TV. People are returning to the older way of life, Cooking, board games, puzzles. Reconnecting to their friends and family. The world is at our finger tips and we must take advantage of that. Use this to stay connected in these scary times.
No one is happy about staying home, but it is the right thing to do. I can not stress this enough WASH YOUR HANDS!
Have you ever had to apologize for something that isn’t actually your fault? It’s hard to do and not fun. I have to say doing so hurt my feelings and I am going to make it my mission to never have to do it again. I took this very personally, I am a subscriber to The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you are not familiar with his teachings. There are 4 basic agreements with yourself.
1st Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word.
2nd Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally.
3rd Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions.
4th Agreement: Always Do Your Best.
Sounds simple right? Honestly it is a lot of work and something to constantly working on oneself. These mean different things to different people. I reread the book and listen to the Audio version often. I have to work hard to rewrite these agreements with yourself that you didn’t know you wrote. My mother is a jehovah’s witness, I grew up in the church. This has given me a lot to rewrite, it has also given me the strength to hold myself accountable andpush myself to become a better person, to grow as a person. That is why even thought it wasn’t my fault, I made myself apologize because it was the right thing to do by the agreements I made with myself. Before this book I am not sure apologizing was something I had the strength to do. I am grateful for this change given to me from Don.
Took a day trip to Locust Grove, Oklahoma, a while back to visit Rural Oklahoma Museum of Poetry or ROMP. Shaun Perkins is the Creator of this amazing Museum off the beaten path. Locust Grove isn’t what one expects from small town Oklahoma. The quaint Community sits near the Border of Arkansas. A sleepy little town, reminiscent of days gone by where the town supporting it’s artist. Driving in their downtown, we see a banner for Justice not Roses, which is the exhibit we drove here to see. I think back to all the museums I have been to, most in much bigger towns they all have these banners too. This is a biggest little town, while small, the energy is Bigger than their population on Google. Stop by The County Cottage and get the pie!
I admire that Shaun is, this is me, this is my writing, she wanted to make something and she did it. I love that her community supports her. It is nice to see an example for future generations. Making things happen for yourself. Even if you are not a poetry fan you have to admire. If there is a will, there is a way. I know I need to see more of that in my life.
Also my Daughter can’t put the book down. She is enthralled by these women of the past, who like Shaun went out and made things happen. Even if the change they wanted didn’t happen, they pushed for the Freedoms that we now enjoy to day.
My goal of Blogging everyday has failed miserably, but the goal of writing more has been achieved. I went with a friend and we interviewed our idol and her equally amazing husband for a Magazine that my company is publishing. I fangirled for days. Later we discovered our writing styles while they complement each other, and finished product they blend well, our creative processes doesn’t mix well for us. I feel like our friendship is way more important so I backed off and let her write it. I worked on other things, it seams her version flopped with the editor and while we can still make it happen we missed the deadline for the Spring Issue. I’m a little broken hearted because I know how interesting and amazing this could be, I worked on this for 3 weeks. I wrote a accompanying piece that since the first didn’t fit won’t make it either.
Unfortunately sometimes things do not work out how we want them to. We have to go back to the drawing board and rework it. A year ago this probably would make me quit and never want to write again. I really feel like I am in a place where I can’t quit my Daughter is watching and waiting to see me succeed. She has even been helping around the house to ensure I had more time to work. Quitting isn’t an option now, I have put myself out there even more. As of late She has been pushing to put herself out there too, is it because she sees me stepping out of my box? I can’t say for sure if it is related. If she can put herself out there then I must show her the way. Which brings me back to my Idol, who I feel unbeknownst to her is showing me the way to have it all. She had children at home, kept the books for her husband successful sign business , folded laundry and wrote. Not only having 12 pieces out at once, but 7 rejection letters in a day, and still writing . Hearing her talk about how she made things happen for herself. All these words motivate me to push myself and I know things are never easy if you want them, it requires hard work, dedication, juggling children, spouse and house. We as women have to drag our chair to the table and she is at the table waiting for me.
Every year since you left,
I bake you a cake
A recipe given to me by a grandmother who couldn’t remember me.