Dandelions bloom twice. First they are the cute little yellow flowers that nurture the Bees when spring starts. Then they bloom and spreed their seeds. Dandelions are more than pretty flower, they are food for the bees and humans alike, teas, wine, salads. How great are these weeds? I want to be just like them! I want to have multiple skills, feed those who need to be feed, physically or soulfully.
Speaking of blooming twice, why should we only get to bloom once? Come to think of it, we should get to bloom as much as we want and who says we can’t stay in bloom for a season or two. Plant rules and people rules can’t be the same, right? As the seasons of our lives change shouldn’t our blooms grow more lovely? We should take the time to nurture ourselves to keep from loosing pedals.
**Not my photos**
Sunday service in my household was an hour of gardening, had to get more in the ground before the storms Monday. The garden has been my solace, a place to give my anxiety to the earth. For breakfast I made Cinnamon Swirl French toast, feeding my family fills my cup. We listened to The Avett Brothers preach their message of love. That was our Church for the week. It couldn’t have been a more lovely morning.
The wind of change brings a different kind of day. There is no giving this to the earth. My heart hurts, I think of all the effort to flatten the curve everyone I know has done. Now everything is to open up. Will it undo everything? The morning was just a delay in all this worry. Hearing that the death in Payne county in a Cushing resident undoes all the garden therapy. My eye swell at the thought of the outside world. I keep thinking, am doing any good by self-isolating? The world is a turning and I hope my staying home I am giving her a little boost in healing.
“Speak to your children as if they are the wisest, kindest, most beautiful and magicalhumans on earth, for what they believe is what they will become” – Brooke Hampton
The local school put together packets for the Preschoolers. I have to say they looked like they had taken every safety precaution. Baby T-REX has no desire or want to do anything in that packet. Sister has been doing school work this whole time, She can’t risk falling behind. 6th grade vs Prekindergarten I guess. **Deep breaths** As long as they are learning something they will be okay. They are still reading, drawing and eating, in my case writing and gardening. The kids will be alright. As a family I think we have spent more time outside during this time then we have in a long time. Our backyard is quickly becoming everyone’s favorite place to just be. We have cleaned up about 90% of it, one more good work day and we will have it in ship shape. Working outside has given us the normal we crave. With Children who are active it is so hard to to keep them from wanting to go-go, driving around looking for teddy bears and getting happy hour drinks from Sonic helps. Not something I want to do everyday, only enough that they feel like we aren’t stuck at home.
Yesterday I had to go to the store, I left the children at home with Grandpa. I received mass texts and videos. Sister took it upon herself to keep him entertained without TV or YouTube. Let me start off with, some days she drives me crazy. Yesterday I was grateful. They spent hours chalking my porch. Sweet little pictures of sunflowers and our family. My heart needed it, especially while I was out in public with people who still aren’t wearing face masks. Chalk brought the whole family so much joy yesterday.
The future maybe unclear as we navigate this new life. One thing we will be following the children’s lead, making more time for playing and art. We as adults talk about listening to our gut feelings, blah blah. When children tell us what they need we assume they don’t know what they need, because they are small and haven’t lived as long as we have. **shaking my Head** WRONG!!! They are more in-tuned with their needs then we ever will because they are currently living on that primal need basis and we are not. That reminder brought to you by Chalk.
It has been cold for 2 days now. 30’s and 40’s not ideal temperatures for gardening. I spent yesterday in the kitchen instead. A cold day is perfect for baking soda bread and a slow soup. So yummy, I forgot to take a picture of the finished soup.
My children swear they do not like rice pudding. The fact that there were no leftovers say differently. Sweet rice in your belly on a cold night, it is a different kind of comfort. A comfort the world could use right now. Cue the music for “what the world needs now is love.” I will be humming that all day now.
My Mother in-law said today that we are allowed to grieve the life we had before. Not just before of this virus, but any other before. Back before I met my husband, in fact early teens, my Mother in-law was in a car accident. She almost lost her right arm, a doctor put it back together with metal. Now she got to keep the arm but her life isn’t the same, she doesn’t have full range of motion. Her life is marked before the accident and after. If anyone understands grieving normal life it is her. I know most of us have lots of markers in time, before kids, before deaths. Not everyone has before illnesses, with her arm she understand that before. Missing doing normal things.
I am in a state of limbo, I am struggling with my life. That grey area right where the before and after switch places. I may have Lupus. Due to the Virus, I am waiting to see a specialist to get an official diagnosis. A year ago if I was anxious, I could turn on some music and clean my house top to bottom in one day. Today I am struggling to keep the dishes done. I miss having the energy from before., I miss my life before. I go out to my garden in the morning and piddle around, I have to lay down when I come back in. All of my joints hurt, my hair is falling out, weird rash on my neck that will not go away. My finger tips keep loosing feeling, I cut myself and had no clue until a few hours later when I could feel my fingers again. My hands stop working and I drop whatever is in them. My stomach hurts all the time depending on what I eat, enough that I’d rather not eat most of the time. One would think that would mean I have lost weight, not a oz no matter what I do. At the drop of a hat I have headaches the turn into migraines quickly. My head is foggy, I can’t think of words I want to use. I can’t spell them or even get close.
I am an overachiever living with no control. My body can’t keep up with my mind and my want. I am a caretaker who cannot take care of herself. I have never felt more vulnerable, in a constant state of worry. In life we travel one hurdle after another and not having a official name for this mountain I am climbing. Not having a plan because the world is in turmoil. I love a plan, I love a list, without a diagnosis I can’t prepare myself or my family. I just read what I should do if it is lupus and what should help. SHOULD. All of these shoulds are medicated shoulds, until I get to that point there is no normal. Just lots of trying. I mean a lot of trying., I did a juice cleanse, I did fasting. Now I am cutting out as much sugar as possible. I am trying every natural thing there is out there.
I worry about…. Everything in my life. How it will all change soon.
Life must go on. While the world is in turmoil, people trying to stay positive. More has closed in Cushing. While my husband and I are both considered essential, we navigating our new life with more purpose. No more just running to the store when we are out of something. I am making it a point to make things from scratch, embracing vintage life. We planted a Victory Garden yesterday. Spent the whole day outside, purchased plants from our local greenhouse. It felt nice to be productive and spending time together in the fresh air. Kids running around, the dogs and cats following us around. Could not have been a better more exhausting day. I’m interested to see how you are keeping busy during this time.
In the darkness, great things bloom. Oklahoma issued the Safer at home if you are vulnerable to go into effect at midnight tonight. Which that is a whole different conversation. Launching our Oklahoma Scenes Spring Edition right now feels wrong, how can I ask my Friends and Family to go out and pick up a copy. I want to show them what I have been up to, and what I am continuing to work on.
The show must go on right. We worked hard on this for 2 months. I am terrified it will not be well received right now. I know that is anxiety and fear talking., trying to stop my growth. Out of darkness comes light, out of my fear I will grow. **Deep Breaths** This to shall pass.
Every morning since we were asked to stay home, I try to sleep in. If i sleep in the kids will and they will worry less if they are asleep. I can’t sleep my heart is full of worry. I make a cup of coffee and snuggle into my chair, husband fills me in on what has occurred while we have slept. Counting numbers, comparing counties numbers. Silent prayers for the world, I start with the world, then I move to individual countries, then to the United States, then each state. I start with New York, going down the coast and moving to Texas where I go to recover my heart, moving to California where the ocean kisses the shore. On up to Washington where my people are, I say that prayer twice. Now I move on to the plains and back to Oklahoma where my heart lives. Silent prayers as I sip my morning coffee.
At some point in your life you have felt like your world was over. Obviously it did not end, you are here reading this now. Much like the song, it’s the end of the world as we know it.(Found here) Right now in the world we all feel like life as we know it is over. In part that is true, the normal day to day is changing. Most schools are cancelled until April 6th, parents are scrambling to get childcare, groceries, and most still working. It is a strange, difficult time for anyone who is not in that doesn’t fall into that “tax bracket”. There is light in these dark places, small kindnesses are going a long way. Of course there are those who are buying all the toilet paper and leaving none for anyone else.
I’d like to say in my small town everything is sunshine and lollipops. Our Community leaders are doing a wonderful job and catching flack left and right. People risking their health and their families health. Yet people are cursing and treating them less than human for things they have no control over and they still show up because they know they are essential to out community no matter how badly they are being treated.
I don’t want anyone to think that our town is just a asshole fest, it is not! In fact that light I mentioned before is shining bright locally. While the schools are closed the schools are offering drive up meals for the children so no child will be left hungry. The senior center is doing the same. The local government, local radio station, local papers are all trying to keep everyone informed but entertained while they stay home. The internet is booming with tips on helping keep kids busy and not just watching TV. People are returning to the older way of life, Cooking, board games, puzzles. Reconnecting to their friends and family. The world is at our finger tips and we must take advantage of that. Use this to stay connected in these scary times.
No one is happy about staying home, but it is the right thing to do. I can not stress this enough WASH YOUR HANDS!
Have you ever had to apologize for something that isn’t actually your fault? It’s hard to do and not fun. I have to say doing so hurt my feelings and I am going to make it my mission to never have to do it again. I took this very personally, I am a subscriber to The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. If you are not familiar with his teachings. There are 4 basic agreements with yourself.
1st Agreement: Be Impeccable With Your Word.
2nd Agreement: Don’t Take Anything Personally.
3rd Agreement: Don’t Make Assumptions.
4th Agreement: Always Do Your Best.
Sounds simple right? Honestly it is a lot of work and something to constantly working on oneself. These mean different things to different people. I reread the book and listen to the Audio version often. I have to work hard to rewrite these agreements with yourself that you didn’t know you wrote. My mother is a jehovah’s witness, I grew up in the church. This has given me a lot to rewrite, it has also given me the strength to hold myself accountable andpush myself to become a better person, to grow as a person. That is why even thought it wasn’t my fault, I made myself apologize because it was the right thing to do by the agreements I made with myself. Before this book I am not sure apologizing was something I had the strength to do. I am grateful for this change given to me from Don.